Who has been naughty?

And so this is Christmas and what have our politicians done? More importantly, have they been naughty or nice?

It’s probably more of a northern hemisphere cultural contrivance that those who have been naughty are destined to receive only a lump of coal for their dastardly deeds in the preceding 364 days.

Down in the southern hemisphere a lump of coal is the only thing Scott Morrison wants for Christmas. In fact, he wants more than one and what Santa can’t provide, he’s hoping Adani can. The downside is it might cost the rest of us a billion dollars and counting. Scott needs some coal for props in the parliament and others to use as paperweights in his office. He will continue to do so until the black lung kicks in.

Santas take many forms. Even in Australia, Santas vary from outrageously jolly with luxurious thick beards to those wearing crappy polyester bristles with the elastic showing, a cushion wedged up their guts and smelling vaguely of alcohol.

In Japan, where just 1 per cent of the population is Christian, they love santa-san and they think he flies down from the moon every year to hand out gifts, which probably makes more sense than the North Pole.

A solid argument could be made that our federal MPs already have their own type of Santa who flies down on his sled from Beijing. This Santa comes in the form of generous businessmen bearing party donations. The really good thing is he comes more than once a year. In fact, pretty much whenever he likes.

My favourite of all Santas is the Amish type, Belsnickel. Belsnickel is a bad-tempered version of Santa. Dressed in rags, he turns up at your home uninvited, bangs on the front door and demands to know if children have been “impish or admirable”. Like George Christensen he carries a whip but unlike George Christensen, he is not afraid to use it.

I’ve always thought our Santa was too soft. Sure he can terrify very small kids by his sheer size and through the shocking ghastliness of his lurid outfit, but the rest of us can sidle up, leap into his lap and make demands without fear of rejection. Our Santa has to listen. Belsnickel, who looks like and really is a kind of an angry, old homeless guy, does all the talking.

So Belsnickel it is for our federal parliamentarians and have they been impish or admirable?

I’ve been checking the list and I’ve been checking it more than once.

For reasons of space, not every MP getting a gift is listed here because let’s face it, most of them aren’t that interesting.

Sam Dastyari: A job.

Tony Abbott: A job and some dignity.

Malcolm Turnbull: What do you give the amorphous blob that has everything? An endoskeleton, of course.

Bill Shorten: He’s not sure but he’s put in a call to the CFMEU to see what they’d want him to have.

Julie Bishop: She does not want Malcolm’s job. He’s performing well under great difficulty. No, she is quite satisfied with being deputy and foreign minister. Really. Wait. How many Newspolls was that again?

Bob Katter: How can we celebrate Christmas when every three months a person is torn to pieces by a crocodile in north Queensland?

Pauline Hanson: Just a card, thanks. In fact, lots of cards. Maybe give James Ashby’s printing business a bell?

Kevin Andrews: I hate to be critical of a person’s appearance but let’s be honest about Kevin. The man looks like Fine Cotton on race day. For Christmas he needs a professional colouring job on that bonce of his. Maybe some blonde tips. Maybe the full Milo.

Adam Bandt: A vegan turkey with all the organic trimmings washed down with lashings of decocoanated cocoa.

George Christensen: Malcolm Turnbull’s head on a stake or he’ll resign. He means it this time. He’s not kidding around anymore.

David Feeney: A real estate portfolio, a map and a passport.

Barnaby Joyce: The Deputy PM’s list didn’t pass the High Court. The good news is he makes a perfect Christmas decoration. Just stand him right next to the tree. No batteries required.

Eric Abetz: A 1962 desk calendar for the Tasmanian senator’s desk. It won’t actually be 1962 but he can close his eyes and pretend. Ah, the good old days.

Cory Bernardi: Nothing. The Liberal Party is his gift and it keeps on giving.

Belsnickel is coming, folks, and unlike Santa, he does not mess around.

This article was published in The Australian 15 December 2017